Because it says within the Bible, “I need to be the easiest, like nobody ever was.” Might there be a extra true passage? I don’t know; I didn’t look. However in case you’re right here studying this web site of ideas, methods, and critiques, you’ve most likely felt the urge in your soul to develop into a champion. There could also be billions of individuals enjoying video video games world wide, however haven’t you ever questioned what it might be like in case you – sure, you! – had been one of the best at a recreation? I’m not speaking about getting a excessive rating at a laundromat that resets its Ms. Pac-Man machine each evening.
I’m speaking about being one of the best in your complete world. The best gamer on all of Tremendous Earth. When different gamers get cute and assume they’re placing up numbers, they see your rating and weep figuring out they’ll by no means overcome your spot on the leaderboard. That’s the candy stuff, child. Put it straight into my veins. Being so good at a online game that it breaks one thing in a complete stranger. You need to lock down your home in excessive rating historical past so exhausting that it makes different folks really feel dangerous. The by no means ending quest to beat your weaknesses and to indicate the world that you’ve got precise worth as a human being whereas everybody else is nugatory.
This can be a story a few lady named Fortunate a person who needed to develop into the best gamer in your complete world. Reader, that man is me. And reader, I nearly did it. For actual. There have been moments I may style it. I used to be this near turning into the best participant who ever lived.
At Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
![Do you have what it takes to be the best of the best? WELL DO YOU?!](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/unnamed-8-1711377379155.jpg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
Oh, I didn’t count on to tackle this burden. It wasn’t intentional. I merely like Pinball FX. When you’re not acquainted with Pinball FX or don’t perceive how you can choose up context clues, Pinball FX is a recreation/app that permits you to play – anticipate it – pinball. Some based mostly on bodily tables, some purely digital. A number of are free to play. For the remainder, you may subscribe to a service or purchase them individually. And, whereas in a situation finest described as “lower than sober,” I purchased a whole lot of pinball tables. Quite a lot of these had been classics like Star Trek: The Subsequent Era. And, as a result of I get pleasure from Christmas, I additionally purchased Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. The actual fact these purchases had been made two months after Christmas doesn’t and mustn’t matter.
At first, I performed the classics! Why wouldn’t I? It had been years since I’d taken on the pinball variations of The Twilight Zone or Star Trek. And since I owned these tables, I may actually dive in and determine them out! I used to be going to get good on the classics! Oh, I sucked at first! Actual dangerous! However then I had probably the greatest video games of Star Trek: The Subsequent Era I’ve ever had! And, of us! Take a look at the place I ranked with 110,214,170 factors!
![10,437th in the world. Yeah, now we're talking!](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/unnamed-9-1711377408493.jpg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
Ten thousand, 4 hundred thirty seventh on the planet! Why, that’s not too dangerous! It’s not good! But it surely’s not too dangerous! And positively a rating you may clearly inform I didn’t obtain once more. However a minimum of I’m inside a stadium-sized-audience of being one of the best on the planet, proper? Proper? Expensive God, that was one of the best I may do and I wasn’t even approaching greatness. I didn’t assume I might – but it surely’s nonetheless a hell of a factor to do your finest and discover out that nearly each different sentient human being is healthier than you.
So I performed just a few different tables. All enjoyable! Wee!
Lastly – I imply, actually lastly of the 24 tables I purchased – I performed Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. And after my first recreation, I positioned within the 500s. Let me repeat that: In my very first recreation, I ranked among the many high 600 folks to have ever touched Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. I may’ve deleted the sport from my Steam library and nonetheless identified endlessly that I used to be probably the greatest players on Earth on one particular digital pinball desk. I’ve by no means been within the high 600 of something apart from suspects.
![I bought all 24 tables in Pinball FX. Alcohol may have contributed to this decision.](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/unnamed-10-1711377434291.jpg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
Which made me assume: If no person was enjoying this desk apart from me and different weirdo psychopaths like me, then perhaps – simply perhaps – I may develop into the highest gamer in your complete world at Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. For the primary time in my complete life, I could possibly be one of the best at one thing that didn’t contain crying within the bathe or regretting a protracted, emotional e mail. I may do that! It additionally helped that I had a really lengthy airplane experience forward to go to a sick relative.
Now, you could be questioning, “Is Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball a great recreation?” That doesn’t matter. It’s effective. It’s a online game pinball desk for youngsters based mostly on a 75-year-old sketch’s Christmas particular. It’s precisely what you’d count on. Have you ever performed pinball? Have you ever seen Charlie Brown Christmas? That’s all it is advisable to know. Truthfully, in case you’ve even carried out simply a kind of two issues, that’s all it is advisable to know.
The excellent news is, Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball is a reasonably easy desk in comparison with a whole lot of the Pinball FX choices. There aren’t many hidden lanes or methods, so determining one of the simplest ways to rack up factors isn’t too exhausting. Really doing it’s a problem! However you be taught fairly early to only bust up Lucy’s psychiatry sales space till you handle to get multiball. Which I used to my benefit. Abruptly, I used to be within the 400s. After which the 300s.
![I was starting to crawl up the leaderboard but it took a loooong time.](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/unnamed-11-1711377477614.jpg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
Though “out of the blue” could be a misnomer as a result of it took me hours to crawl up this listing little by little. Which is the best way it must be. But it surely’s most likely unhealthy that I’ve put extra time into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball than Helldivers 2. Then once more, none of my buddies have handled me like a dick for by accident calling in an air strike on Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. They positive have for Helldivers 2, although!
The draw back of the simplicity of the desk is that you simply hear the identical sound results over. And over. And over. Each rattling recreation I’ve to listen to that Charlie Brown likes Christmas, however he’s depressed. And a baby shouting “shoot the director gap” by no means stops being bizarre. To not point out the Charlie Brown theme tune which – as you would possibly count on – will get previous after the fifth or sixth hour of play. By the point I lastly reached the 200s within the rating, I might scream the sound bites again on the recreation as they occurred.
![Pro tip: bust up Lucy’s psychiatry booth until you manage to get multiball!](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/unnamed-12-1711377504388.jpg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
For a short second, the 200s had been my ceiling. I couldn’t fairly crack it, whereas the sport’s repetition was beginning to crack me. I personal a great pc and a Steam Deck and I nonetheless haven’t completed principally each good recreation that’s come out this 12 months. However I needed it. I needed to know that I may get into the 100s. The scores above mine weren’t too excessive. The relative who I used to be visiting requested me what I used to be enjoying and I screamed “NOTHING” like I used to be watching porn. That’s how embarrassed I used to be.
![Reaching 153rd felt like an achievement but it wasn't enough. I wanted MORE!](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/unnamed-13-1711377534401.jpg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
However I received there. 153. The 153rd finest participant on the planet isn’t dangerous. Lots of people could be happy with that rating if this had been Road Fighter or Mortal Kombat or FIFA or Name of Obligation or Overwatch 2 or actually some other online game exterior of that Recent Prince zombie recreation all of us simply discovered existed. Truthfully, that’s most likely the one different recreation I could possibly be the 153rd finest at. Don’t tempt me.
I didn’t cease. I couldn’t cease. As soon as I’d hit the 100s, I needed to limbo underneath that bar, too. I needed to be within the high 100 gamers of one thing. Something. So I spent hours – whereas staying in a location much more sunny and enjoyable than the place I normally reside – enjoying spherical after spherical of this cursed recreation. Youngsters screaming at me to hit the left loop, the fitting loop, the left heart loop, the mailbox, the whole lot. The tune looping and looping and looping. Somebody requested if I used to be watching Christmas films and I placed on headphones and locked the door to the toilet.
And I lastly did it. I cracked the highest 100. I went full Tommy and crushed the desk as exhausting as I’ve ever crushed it. My response occasions heightened. My thoughts was like Scarlett Johannson’s in Lucy. “To data.” After which like an entire dork, I spotted how properly I used to be doing and immediately my arms changed into plastic oven mitts that couldn’t hit the fitting buttons.
![I tapped out at 51st best in the world at Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. I'll take that.](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/unnamed-14-1711377565673.jpg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
And so I ended up at 51st. Hell yeah.
At that time, I needed to cease. Not simply because I had reached a purpose I didn’t assume I’d attain, but additionally as a result of I checked the highest of the listing and the scores began to get insane. It seems I wasn’t the primary particular person to comprehend that you possibly can dominate a leaderboard if no person else gave a crap. Besides these folks within the high ten clearly very a lot cared and labored very, very exhausting for his or her a whole lot of thousands and thousands of factors.
Sadly, I couldn’t go on endlessly. Dragon’s Dogma 2 was popping out and I couldn’t bear listening to Charlie Brown put down Pig-Pen another rattling time with out throwing my Steam Deck at a passing automotive. The sport had gotten underneath my pores and skin. First in that basic “Simply One Extra Flip” method after which, later, in that basic “I Want To Cease Earlier than One thing Unhealthy Occurs As a result of I Am Dropping My Rattling Thoughts.”
Since then, I haven’t risen a lot greater. And I do respect that even my place on the listing is so very simple to beat. I promise that if any of you studying this put quarter-hour into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball, you possibly can beat me like a dad holding a sock full of oranges. However between hand tremors and by no means wanting to consider Snoopy ever once more, my rank might be going to remain the place it’s till another person does barely higher.
![This is the look of someone who's achieved something truly special.](https://assets-prd.ignimgs.com/2024/03/25/mike-drucker-1711377587647.jpeg?width=1280&fit=bounds&height=720&quality=20&dpr=0.05)
That mentioned, I nearly did it. I could not have been one of the best on the planet. I could not have even been within the high ten. However of the billions of human beings on this lovely, fragile planet, I used to be the 51st finest at losing my time on what I’m sure is the least-played pinball desk ever placed on a pc display screen. I used to be the 51st finest that ever was. In actually some other online game I rank between “rubbish” and “Emil Cioran’s skill to really feel pleasure.” However right here? Solely 50 different folks have put up higher numbers in Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
And god bless them, as a result of I assume it’s pushed them insane. There’s a purpose the band Queen pluralized the time period, as a result of we actually are the champions.
Mike Drucker is an Emmy-nominated author and almost-world champion pinball participant. Comply with him on X.