Within the journal enterprise, the Again Web page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in wherever else. Some might name it “filler”; we choose “a complete web page to make horrible jokes which can be tangentially associated to the content material of the magazine”.
We do not have pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular characteristic, Again Web page. This one’s about cows.
Are you able to be moo-ved? Keen to be taken to the udder limits? Properly then, you are in the best place, pricey pals, as a result of that is maybe the head of my work right here at Nintendo Life: A semi-definitive prime 12 cows in video video games, primarily based on a proprietary and top-secret grading system that I cannot be revealing right now.
I used to be going to make all of it cows in video video games however then I began counting all of the Harvest Moon video games, and I needed to throw myself off a cliff, so I’ve narrowed it down to simply 12 (plus honourable mentions). You are wel-cow-me.
Resident Evil 4
Do you know Resi 4 had a cow? Properly, now you do. Sure, the inhabitants of Valdelobos have quite a bit on their plates, what with the Los Illuminados and the Plagas and Salazar going nuts, plus some boyband-looking weirdo and his ineffective good friend stealing all their ammo and valuables, however that does not imply they can not nonetheless interact in some good old school animal husbandry.
This relatively emaciated cow lives within the village with all its little cow pals and affords a quick respite from all of the Issues That Need You Lifeless. This cow couldn’t care much less in case you lived or died, Leon, so long as you do not attempt to kill it first. It is simply residing its completely satisfied little cow life, fully unaware of the fear that awaits you, as a result of cows do not know what zombies are. I envy this cow and its blissful ignorance.
Stardew Valley
Why so low down, Stardew? Properly, these cows are simply… effective. They’re simply effective. They solely are available two varieties — white and brown — they usually haven’t any enjoyable milk flavours. Even Stardew’s chickens are available blue, black, and gold!
Clearly, ConcernedApe shouldn’t be a cow man, and that is okay, ? However contemplating that ConcernedApe has particularly stated that he was influenced by early Harvest Moon video games… the place’s the cuteness? The place’s the adorably spherical nostril? I am sorry, Mr. Barone, however in case you can put dinosaurs in a sport, you may make your cows at the least 20% rounder.
Divinity: Unique Sin 2 – Definitive Version
For those who’ve performed Baldur’s Gate 3, then I implore you to take a look at Larian Studios’ earlier work, Divinity: Unique Sin 2, an RPG with all the guts of BG3, however with much less of a Dungeons & Dragons affect. In DOS2, you’ll be able to summon gore blobs that will help you in fight, make out with a skeleton, and invade the desires of a lizard — oh, and it can save you two people which were polymorphed into cows.
Now, these cows aren’t significantly cute or loveable. Their names are Geraldine and Mabel, they usually’re simply regular individuals who acquired became bovines. You may have to cope with exploding rats, electrical frogs, potion making, and a battle with a witch to avoid wasting them each, which does not sound too onerous, however shock — it is truly one of many hardest fights within the sport, and also you’re most likely solely stage 5 at this level. After which, when you’re performed with that, come again to the cow-people and restore them to common human life.
The rationale they’re on this record is that they are very humorous. It is enjoyable to hear to 2 cursed cow-people bicker about whether or not or to not speak to you, and much more enjoyable in case you come again with out the power to speak to animals, which is able to consequence within the two of them bickering simply the identical, however in moos. There’s even a bonus shock that you just get while you efficiently return them to human kind — however I will not spoil that.
Oh, and in case you drink the potion your self? Congratulations, fool. You are actually a cow. Completely.
Minecraft
Minecraft cows should not cute. In truth, their wall-eyed stare makes me wish to keep away from them as a lot as doable. However I can not deny that they are iconic, and higher but, they’ve flavours. There’s your primary cow, which is available in brown-and-white, wanders the fields, and waits to be became beef. There’s additionally the great, distinctive variant of Mooshrooms; these fellas are available crimson and brown variants and are the only inhabitants of the mushroom fields biome, the place no different mobs can spawn.
I am going to inform you a fast story: in Nova Scotia, the place I dwell, there’s a place known as Sable Island. It is a small crescent-shaped spit of sand within the Atlantic, and nothing lives there… besides about 500 feral horses. These light creatures roam freely, unbothered by most people, doing no matter it’s horses do. I believe that is lovely. Mooshrooms remind me of the Sable Island horses. They know nothing of battle or woe. They simply vibe, man. I believe that is lovely.
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Many of the cows on this record are right here as a result of they’re lovable. This cow — and it’s one explicit cow from Ocarina of Time — is right here as a result of I love it. As a result of it raises deep and considerate questions on life. As a result of it teaches us the worth of perseverance and willpower.
That is the cow within the gap. Particularly, the cow that lives within the Secret Grotto, which could be present in Loss of life Mountain and Hyrule Subject. Each different cow within the sport lives at Lon Lon Ranch, besides that one cow that lives in a cage in Kakariko Village (poor factor), and this cow, the cow within the gap, the cow that lives by itself in a cave. How did the cow get there? How does the cow keep alive? Is the cow okay?
For those who play Epona’s Track to the cow, she’ll truly speak to you earlier than supplying you with milk, saying that the track “jogs my memory of the pasture”, which is surprisingly touching dialogue from a thriller cave cow. Then she says “have a few of my refreshing and nutritious milk”, which makes issues bizarre once more. Nonetheless, free milk.
Facet be aware: Do you know there’s truly a Cow% OoT speedrun? And that the present document is 28m 48s? Video video games are so nice.
Mario Kart sequence
Apologies to Moo Moo Meadows and Moo Moo Farm followers — I do know you are on the market, and also you’re most likely my foremost viewers for this record — however I’ll be smooshing collectively the three cow variations for this one. First, there are the Moo Moo Farm cows from Mario Kart 64: rotund, blank-eyed, and really clearly a 2D billboard in a 3D world, these are near the platonic supreme of a Good Cow, however their flatness mixed with their incapacity to get out of the gosh darn street makes them extra of a legal responsibility than a good friend.
Taken from the 2D realm into the 3D ultimately, the Moo Moo Meadows cows from Mario Kart Wii have been an unimaginable replace on a timeless cow traditional, however… nicely… they’re simply fairly cow-shaped, ? I like a cow-shaped cow, however as you will discover out from the remainder of this record, I like a cow that is been taken to cartoonish cuteness extremes much more. The Wii Moo Moos are good cows. They’re simply not nice cows.
Fortunately, Mario Kart 8 cut up the distinction, making the Moo Moo Meadows inhabitants a lot rounder, and far stupider. Do they nonetheless block the street? In fact, that is the purpose of Moo Moo Meadows. However they appear much less like they’re doing it out of spite (just like the Wii ones) and extra like they’re simply a lot too dumb to dwell. I prefer it. I like these cows.
Contin-moo on to web page two to dis-cow-ver my prime six cows in video games… 🐮