From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the cube to deliver random video games again into the sunshine. This week, one other probability to enter a post-apocalyptic wasteland, however one which quickly became a mere Bidet of Nightmares. Drink of it at your personal danger.
Wasteland finally bought its long-awaited sequel, and fortuitously it was good. Some would possibly even say superb. Relying on who you ask although, there already was a sequel to Wasteland, solely a 12 months or so after the primary one got here out. Now, to be clear, the checklist of people that will inform you that may be very small certainly. Not the unique Wasteland workforce, which did not work on it, not Wasteland followers, who typically attempt to neglect it, and never even writer EA, who initially did tried to carry it up as a correct sequel, however had been apparently satisfied of their folly after three ghosts confirmed as much as slap some goddamn sense into them.
Regardless of that, the lineage is clear, and also you’d assume the thirst for a brand new Wasteland sport would make something even impressed by it value a bit of hardcore fan fondness. How unhealthy might or not it’s that it was politely carved out of historical past virtually as quickly because it landed? Nicely, let’s discover out! Although I feel we will assume the reply is “Very, very unhealthy.”
Fountain of Goals takes place in post-apocalyptic Florida, in order that’s at the very least a bit totally different, some 50 years after nuclear strikes carved it off from the mainland. No person is aware of if life nonetheless exists on the mainland or past, however all makes an attempt to search out out result in fast loss of life from the contaminated sea throughout or the vicious monsters that choose off what radiation cannot instantly destroy. Over the past 50 years, that is meant the key cities withdrawing into themselves and turning into metropolis states, folks more and more mutating as a consequence of publicity to all of the nasty stuff within the air and underfoot, and harsh gangs rising up within the wilderness to threaten adventurers and provides everybody a rattling good purpose to remain house.
Or, because the handbook put it, “This world is loopy. Too unhealthy you are sane.”
As a place to begin, that each one appears fairly strong. It is a world like Wasteland, however with its personal distinct space and theme, tapping into a lot the identical concepts however with extra of a concentrate on human threats than wandering monsters given a radiation-powered kick up the meals chain. I do not see what might probably go—
Huh. I used to be anticipating a goofy screenshot to look there. A type of ironic cut-in of kinds, taking that apparent feed line and presenting a giant image summing up the stupidity of the sport in a single simply digested assortment of pixels, as if—
Killer Clowns. Sure, there’s a couple of 90% shot that having created a celebration and set out in your quest, the very first thing that you will see is a gang of murderous clowns popping up and just about killing you useless with no extra effort than throwing a custard pie. It is not like Wasteland performed issues straight, however there is a distinction between having a tongue-in-cheek apocalypse the place sometimes you face off in opposition to big rabbits or homicide kids for his or her BB weapons and outright making a military of killer clowns your equal of the NCR or Caesar’s Legion—not a goofy gag monster, however a serious energy base whose floor troops are not any laughing matter, and which controls a lot of the identified world.
“Aside from radiation and nature itself, the one pressure to be reckoned with all through the island is the Killer Clowns. The Clowns have perverted the slapstick humor of their forefathers, taking its feigned violence actually, and increasing it into the martial artwork Slap-Fu. These predatory Pierrots roam the island, extending the facility of their historical however nonetheless harmful founder, Kermit Eli, and his demented household. The Clowns are extraordinarily secretive, and their pantomime communication with one another is impenetrable to outsiders. They’re extremely expert within the use any type of weapon, and unusually keen on the weird, akin to steel-toed flap sneakers, rubber chickens filled with ball bearings, spike-studded brickbats, and seltzer bottles stuffed with acid. The Killer Clowns have fallen surprisingly silent recently, however it’s typically believed that it is a momentary lull.”
Ugh, is that this sport dumb. And whereas the Killer Clowns are in all probability the one dumbest factor in it, they’re on no account the one factor so dumb that even desirous about it’s to ship your self a tough sufficient facepalm to get concussion. The Miami Police is managed by two cops referred to as “Tockett” and “Crubbs”. One other felony faction is known as the Obeah Orders, or OhOhs for brief, which use voodoo magic. And simply as Wasteland’s different cousin Escape From Hell instantly determined to have a major problem with girls, Fountain Of Goals would not waste a lot time squeezing in… effectively… guess.
It is a extra superior sport than Wasteland in some methods although, together with having extra flavour textual content and conversations (with out the necessity to put them within the handbook and provides look-up codes to compensate for the shortage of sport knowledge), with animated portraits and a bit extra sense of life to loads of areas. Annoy native witch Lupe Garoo and also you solely have your self in charge when she units werewolves on you. Hold round at your farm the place the sport begins although and you have a few buddies who would like to go along with you, however aren’t that loopy. There is a purpose why it has a lot extra space to play with that it might have such luxuries, however we’ll get to that in about 5 or 6 paragraphs.
To present the sport some credit score, it additionally has one fairly enjoyable mechanic—mutation. As you battle, your characters get bitten and contaminated by enemies and start to alter, including expertise like chameleon pores and skin on the expense of issues like lowered stats. The extra you are uncovered to mutagens, the stronger they develop into and the extra the potential benefits must be weighed up versus going to get remedy, which is feasible, however solely a short lived repair. Quickly, everybody might be scaled horrors.
This can be a actually good thought, worthy of a significantly better sport. It is also the core of the story—the titular Fountain of Goals being the Fountain of Youth, cracked open by the apocalypse and now someplace in Florida and ready to be found—its existence proved by “dream water” that retains the whole lot in test and offers cures on demand, one felony faction going as far as to place the stuff into rum. Given the scale of the place it is truthfully a surprise the Fountain hash’t been discovered some hundred million occasions over already, however by no means thoughts. As a premise, it might positively be worse.
Simply getting began on discovering it although is a nightmare. To be truthful, Wasteland was fairly brutal itself, however there’s “old-fashioned hardcore” brutal and there is “oh bullshit” brutal, and Fountain of Goals is squarely within the lesser camp. Simply stepping out into the wild you allow your self open to on the spot homicide by armies of… urrrgh… Killer Clowns and BigTop Guards wielding futuristic zap-guns, in addition to big spiders and killer rats and werewolves and drug-addled cultists, and a few straight up screw-you moments.
In the event you stroll right into a tree as an example, it drops lethal coconuts in your head. Stroll too near a location on the prime of the opening map and it blasts your entire workforce with undodgeable missiles that flatten them earlier than you’ll be able to say “I am going, I am going!” An encounter with a single Killer Clown is a possible party-killing second, with their pictures not solely doing loopy injury… actually… to whoever it hits, however spreading the ache with splash injury to anybody close to. As if the world wanted any extra purpose to hate clowns.
Exploring reveals much more painful idiocy, in each senses of the phrase. Within the DeSoto compound as an example, you discover a fountain—not the Fountain of Goals, only a common one. Another sport, you’d simply bounce off it. However no! That is Fountain of Goals, and Fountain of Goals hates you.
So as a substitute… actually… you get this message:
Oh no! This fountain is filled with savage piranha…
…after which take the type of injury extra normally related to concentrated machine gun fireplace to the balls. Oh, and whenever you die, you are unceremoniously dumped to DOS with a cheery “Florida bids you a fond farewell!” It is prefer it’s defying you to not snap after which eat the disks.
That is very visibly a results of the sport being tiny. Once you step exterior your loved ones house it seems to be such as you’re in a tutorial space of kinds, however hah! Hardly! This was an RPG from 1990, such issues had been however the desires of infants! The entire map is surrounded by “Mickey’s Wall”, a large blocker lined in damaged glass that you just’d assume your first job could be to discover a well past. In spite of everything, you are trapped in such a tiny house which you could stroll throughout the entire map in a few minutes.
However no. That is the map. That is all the map. It consists of actually three areas—the streets of Miami and a small compound owned by the DeSoto crime household, the… uggggh… Killer Clown School which makes up a few ranges of idiocy, after which a patch of sawgrass with a man’s hut hidden in it. And likewise, the Fountain of Goals. To place this in perspective, as a result of I counted, the world-saving supply of all-curing water is actually 20 steps away from your own home. You possibly can’t merely stroll up and get it, no, however nonetheless. The bat in Pong goes extra out of its approach! That is not a quest, it is an errand!
The loopy issue although makes it one completely not value endeavor, from the fixed random assaults by enemies to the dumb puzzles, useless ends, and probabilities to completely screw your self over by saying the unsuitable factor to the unsuitable particular person, or stealing the native crime boss’s beloved Van Gogh portray. OK, so, in equity, you do this final one and you’ve got it coming. Strolling right into a fountain solely to search out it filled with piranhas, that is simply merciless.
At greatest, the entire sport appears like everybody concerned misplaced curiosity instantly, and at worst, like a chunk of homework began at 5AM on the day it is as a consequence of be handed in, after three weeks of doing the rest. it should suck, however you haven’t any selection. Your instructor is aware of what you have accomplished, however it’s not value their time to name you on it proper then when a giant crimson F for “Fuck off!” will say all of it in just a few days time. It is in all probability written in double-spaced, 16-point textual content to try to disguise the truth that you solely managed 500 of the two,000 phrases requested, and that is solely as a result of on this metaphor, there is no approach for a Killer Clown to leap up and distract your instructor by hitting them within the face with an acid custard pie.
Definitely, it’s totally apparent why no one concerned in Wasteland wished to be even tangentially related to this, and why even EA in the end determined to try to fake it by no means occurred. There was just one Wasteland, after which there was Fallout. Then there was Wasteland 2, and it is the true successor.
Some video games are higher forgotten. Some wastelands, merely a waste.
Allow us to by no means converse of Fountain of Goals ever once more.